a terrible day for Mommy

Today Mommy rushed home for Dr Prashant's appointment. She got ready - oh man, she looked pretty with those pearl earrings - whenever Mommy is excited about her outing she would dress up for the occassion. She even skipped lunch - coz she was eager to go see the doctor with Papa. Mommy had called Papa earlier but to no avail. The meeting was at 3pm. Mommy tried again calling papa at 2.30pm. They are already late, you can imagine Mommy getting angry at Papa. Papa told Mommy he was stuck in a meeting and even missed lunch and prayers. Mommy didn't want to hear about it. She was so hurt that Papa was late for the meeting and that they would miss the appointment. It took Mommy so long to fix a good time for both of them to come and now Papa is ruining everything. Papa tried to explain to Mommy that he's making Uncle Nizam drive like a maniac but Mommy doesn't want to listen. When Papa arrived at home it was already 3pm. Mommy cried a bit but when she got into the car she stopped coz she doesn't want to fight with Papa in front of Uncle Nizam. She just looked out and poised herself. They reached Pantai hospital and these bunch of receptionists made them climb all the way to Block B only to tell that Dr Prashant no more practised there and they had to go to Damansara Heights where his clinic is at. You can imagine Papa's fury. He said mommy is a fool not to check the place properly. It's not entirely Mommy's fault coz Mommy consulted her friend who was Dr Prashant's patient 2 years earlier. People and places changed but Papa refused to understand. They then adjourned to Damansara Heights but by then both Mommy and Papa were already so mad at each other. When they got there - they had to wait for others who had their appointments first because Mommy missed her 3pm meet up. After half an hour Papa started to get annoyed and told Mommy to fix another time because he got another important meeting with his friend at 6pm. Mommy then negotiated with the nurse while Papa insisted he couldn't make it at this or that date. Even the nurse got annoyed. The nurse told Mommy, if she can't fix any suitable time, just come on her second day of menses for a check up. When they exited the clinic, Papa took out his PDA calendar and asked the date of Mommy's second day of menses. At this Mommy flipped and cried again - "I don't fix my own menses - it's not in my control. Not everything can be controlled!" She burst out to Papa in the lift. She tried to control her temper but tears just flow and flow on her cheeks. I cried along with Mommy, I know how hurt Mommy feels at that time. Mommy, please don't give up on me. I know at this point you want to quit - quit everything. But please Mommy, I need you to be strong, for me, for Papa. Please Mommy, I cried and begged in silent.

When Papa left for his meeting again, Mommy called Aunty Abby. Aunty Abby gave her some good advice. Mommy is still very angry with Papa but she needs to cool down. Aunty Abby told her to treat everything like a business proposal. "You're married to a businessman - you have to act like one." Mommy doesn't like the idea because it sounded cold. It's not a great way to welcome a baby into this world. But with Papa, she needs a different approach. Papa is not easily excited with the idea of babies coz he already got my half sisters. So Mommy got to be smart about this whole thing. Mommy, I know you - you're such a warm person inside, but with Papa you got to conceal yourself if you want a peaceful life with him. I know you best Mommy - with people you act accordingly, but with me, you are my real true Mommy. I'm with you always - just plan carefully and be strong, okay Mommy. And always Mommy, always pray to Allah. I'm with Him watching you from above, and protecting you always. Amin.

testing testing 1, 2, 3...

Mommy bought a Watson's test kit, no, she bought two actually. Hmm...the test went negative. But she's cool about it.. :) Hey, Thomas Edison didn't discover his light bulb till his 2000th try-outs, what makes Mommy different? *wink

is NO news means GOOD or BAD???

Oft late Mommy felt funny about her tummy but it could've been anything. But today when she went to Guardian, she threw doubts to the wind and bought a pregnancy test kit. She's just 2 days behind her menses, but what the heck, she followed as instructed in the kit.

It was all white and remained white. She waited 2 minutes, 5 minutes, until 20! But the darn line never showed up. No positive or even negative indication! She read the whole box all over, trying to make sense where she went wrong. Maybe the kit is a scam, you know...hell, she wasted RM14 bucks for nothing. Never mind, she'll try another kit tomorrow. Good luck Mommy.

facing forward

Today after Papa left for work, I spoke to mommy again. I said:

Mommy, it's YOUR responsibility to be proactive. It's your power, it doesn't belong to somebody else.

I was referring to how she always procrastinate when preparing for my conception. Take the coffee thing for instance - she just wean off the habit a couple of days ago. I told her not to take caffeine. She says it made her awake through the day. I told her - there are many things that can keep you awake mommy, like exercise. So she started walking on the treadmill yesterday. And also, last night I made her clean the medicine box. She found a two year old Appeton's Folic Acid. Fortunately it hasn't expired. She took a pill and went to bed. I feel better when she takes care of herself. Because I want her to be my fit mommy. Keep up the good work - I'll continue to motivate Mommy from time to time.

Dreams are made in heaven

It started with a dream. Mommy once saw a mother and son walk hand in hand in a park one evening, and she knew she wanted that scenario. Both are two old souls absorbed in their elements yet totally concious of each other. Their hands bond them together. The boy wasn't mucking a racket - he was as calm as his mom. Mommy was very young and single then but she had always been very sure of the things she wanted in life. One of that was that image. And it played on on her mind till today.

When she got married with Papa she wasn't sure she's cut out to be a good mom. She was always tired and frustrated with her circumstances. She felt noone understood her. But Allah is great. He told her to be patient and be a good mom to my half sisters. Sometimes she doesn't know what to do, but when she speaks to Allah, she felt better. Things got better from year to year, but still there's no me. When the nights are very very still and quiet, and I know she wasn't thinking of anyone else, I whispered to her. I told her I would be coming. I don't know how I would come, but I will. I just want her to always pray for me.

I know she's scared. She's always so analytical of everything. What if this...what if that... So last week I pushed her to dial a number. I told her I want to be with her. I only see her from afar, but I think our time to be together is nearing. I don't know whether I will be a boy or a girl, but I want to be with her in physical. Sometimes I get hurt when she wished so hard that I'll turn out a boy, but that's ok mommy. I know you'd still love me as much if I'm a girl. I will make you happy mommy, I promise you.

She made an appointment to see Dr Prashant Nadkarni at Pantai Fertility Centre on Friday next week at 3pm. I will keep you posted on the meeting later okay. Hey, I can't wait to arrive. Meanwhile, I'll make mommy dream of me!