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Mommy had a good weekend. There's not much to tell, except that my parents are the luckiest in the world. They have each other, and they have their parents with them. Mommy went to visit Nani and Appa, Papa's parents. You see, they can be called Mommy's grannys coz they're so old, and yet they're so fit. Mommy keep telling them, you must live long enough to see my baby.. :) The other day I heard Appa says that if I arrive in this world, he can coach a football team coz he has 12 grandchildren in total. I don't know if he has enough energy to last to coach a football team by the time I'm around, but I'm happy to hear all of them are excited about my presence one day. Nani is a very quiet lady, but last night she hugged Mommy and caress Mommy's hair. She says; I pray for you everyday. I pray for a miracle. Before, Mommy had updated Nani on her condition and Nani was also quiet about it. Sometimes Mommy fears Nani would judge her, but Nani proved to be the most caring person. Mommy couldn't believe that another Mom like Nani could love her in the mother-daughter way, but she gave thanks to God and told me to remember that I have a most wonderful grandma.
So yeah, Mommy. I will always remember that.

good to go.. :)

Last night Papa made up with Mommy by being extremely nice and huggy-cuddly. It was always good to know my parents are okay with each other because I want to be a happy baby. They got up early and ready for their appointment with Dr Yong at DMC again this morning at 8am. DMC is always busy - Mommy and Papa had to wait till 9.30 to get themselves checked in and Papa was led away to another room for semen analysis process. At first the nurse told Mommy to wait but Mommy felt sad being alone and left out, so she went to enquire where Papa is and went on her own to look for him. When she found him, he's done! That was quick...Mommy looked around the room to see whether there was "stimulus" to assist him but there were none. Papa told Mommy he was thinking of her the whole time...that really cracked me up. Then Mommy kissed Papa for being a good boy! The whole time I was rolling on the floor giggling..:)

After that they had to wait for Papa's semen analysis result which will be produced 2 hours later. Meanwhile, they get to see Dr Wong Pak Sen instead of Dr Yong. While Dr Yong was quite direct and mechanical during Mommy's first encounter, Dr Wong seems more appealing - soft-spoken and gentle. So Mommy decided to book her next check-ups with Dr Wong instead. He explained to Mommy that there are 4 ripening ovums to be released on Saturday 15th to be precise, so Mommy and Papa need to resume intercourse this weekend onwards. Dr Wong prescribed another cycle of Clomid for Mommy's next menses but he did say he hoped Mommy will not get her menses prior to the ovulation induction process she had gone through. (Amen to Dr Wong's wishes - I'm praying hard now!). Papa's semen analysis also came out and it proved that Papa's semen count is healthy! 6 fold then the average..so yepp..no problemo from Papa's side.

They discussed further about all the options - HGC, Lapascropy, IUI and IVF...Dr Wong says take one step at a time. As it is Mommy's womb looks fine. They're going to go through natural process then other actions will follow according to conditions.
Well....good luck to Mommy and Papa!

a little hurt goes a long way

Sometimes, Papa can be very insensitive to Mommy. Just like tonight when Mommy discussed with Papa after dinner about her diagnosis of endometriosis and causes leads to it. It went okay at first, but later Papa asked Mommy to find out what kind of female body shape might have a retroverted womb. It sounds like a simple question but to Mommy it was degrading - it was as if Papa was stereotyping a certain women with a certain medical condition which Mommy doesn't like. Mommy is trying hard to be civil and talk like she's unaffected but she was. It's not like she asked for all these to happen..and she doesn't want to blame her body condition for not being able to have me yet. Please Papa, all you need to do is hold Mommy and tell her everything can be solved. No need to look for blames. Mommy, wipe your tears and go to sleep. I'll be in your arms then.

what's going on with Mommy?

Few days after the Clomid pills finished, Mommy is now struggling with the after effects. Fatigue and increase of appetite becomes a common sensation in Mommy's mind. She looked for answers in Aunty Emmy, who took Clomid for 2 years and suffered the side effects. Aunty Emmy had acne breakouts and increase weight gain during her perscription, and Mommy feels similarly too. So Mommy decided to increase her fluid intake as to curb dehydration and to eat and exercise like normal. But it was very hard, because Mommy gets sleepy all the time. I saw Mommy ate two Kit kat bars after work - that was naughty! She knows she shouldn't be stuffing herself with so much sugar..but that's all her tastebud craves for these days. he he..I'm with you Mommy.

Mommy also did more research on her condition - Dr Yong did mention that her tipped uterus (facing towards back of pelvis) is not the cause for infertility, but the condition leads to endometriosis. Due to endometrosis cysts, chances of conceiving is reduced. So Mommy has to go through a number of stages - first, a few cycles of Clomid, then Laparoscopy surgery to burn the endometriosis cysts. If nothing happens for the next 6 months, a uterus reposition surgery will follow after to help Mommy conceive. Mommy is taking it calmly because she wants me - and if it's not too hazardous, she will try anything. Hang on Mommy, I know you're quite depressed about the impending surgeries but hey, one day I'll come out smiling at you, and you'll know I'm worth it.

end of Clomid and herald a new beginning!

Tonight, I saw Mommy took her last Clomid pill and down it with water. Then she took folic acid before she went to bed. Her menses has dried up and maybe, she gets lucky tomorrow...
I put my hands together and pray to God all is well with Mommy.

a sign of reassurance

Today I was absent from Mommy's mind. She was busy with work and suffering from a series of cramps with the Clomid drug in effect as well. It comes in throbbing waves, sometimes light, sometimes heavy. She dragged herself like a zombie the whole day and only dream of bed, but she can't, so Mommy persevered. Her stomach is bloating twice as normal on a typical menses duration, and she felt heavy. Thank God there's no nausea - if not Mommy won't last for another hour! She has heard all sorts of complaints against fertility drugs - like excessive weight gain, hormonal changes, and pimples breakout. It's only the second day of medication and she's worried senseless. Somehow, God sent her a small hidayah through some wise words of Aunty Liz. When they met, Aunty Liz related to Mommy on how at one time, her husband complained how tired they were after having babies. Aunty Liz then reminded to themselves that they were sans babies for five years and how they went up and down all sorts of fertility centres in the effort to conceive. So having said that, now that Allah has grant them their wish, they should not complain. At that, Mommy understood the point - if you want something so badly, you should never complain about how you suffered through it. Rewards awaits those who are patient.

So be patient Mommy - 4 days more....

first day of Clomid (cycle 1)

Endometriosis thoughts aside, Dr Yong from DFC prescribed Mommy 50g of Clomid fertility drug for 6 days to help increase ovulation. He figured it's best Mommy try the first step, which is to increase ovulation process with fertility drug assistance. Clomid is reported to carry some minor side effects like hot flushes, bloating, nausea and fatigue, but Mommy is taking it in stride. Beginning 3rd day of menses, Mommy is required to take one pill in the morning and another at night. She's supposed to return to Dr Yong for inspection on Thursday next week to see whether more eggs are produced and what are their health states, size, etc. Since it is expected that Mommy will end her menses cycle on Sunday, doctor prescribed intercourse to resume (ok, I'm grinning wickedly!) but only on Sunday, because Papa needs to abstain from sex for the next 4-5 days after so that his fresh semen can be collected on Thursday next week.
Just now after Papa came back after work, Mommy broke the news about her encounter at Damansara Fertility Centre. Papa says he wants a second opinion because he fears some doctor might be corrupt and just want to press for expensive surgeries. Mommy agreed but she says she wants to try DFC for her first cycle of fertility drugs. If nothing happens, she'll go back to Dr Prashant on the 2nd day of her menses on next cycle (for December) for a scan and maybe an ultrasound test to investigate that endometriosis suspicion.

Hey, I'm still here Mommy, waiting and missing you as always.. :)

another surprise

Due to last Friday's commotion at Dr Prashant's clinic, (she was rather embarassed with that nurse) Mommy decided to try another reputable clinic called Damansara Fertility Centre. Mommy heard it caters to mostly Chinese but since she has no problem of getting there, she called and made an appointment at 10.30am. Mommy walked in and observed the crowd - the ques are long and by the time she could see the doctor, it was already 12.The doctor was very clinical and straightforth about the whole procedure. Mommy saw her womb being scanned and probed through a small monitor. The doctor explained that her womb looks okay until he pressed on her left side and Mommy felt searing pain. The doctor stopped and thought to himself, then completed the scan and went to sit down to discuss with Mommy.

Dr Yong: I suspect you got endometriosis, on your left side. But we can't determine anything unless you go through Laparoscopy surgery.
Dr Yong showed her some charts and pictures of how the condition looks like. She gasped.Mommy: How do I get that?

Well, one theory is that you have reflux menstruation, that means your blood spills around the pelvic area inducing the active cells in your blood to form endometriotic tissues/growth around the lining of your uterus. But I cannot say further until more tests. That is, if you're ready. That could be one factor that hinders pregnancy. Either way, the endometric tissues will develop further into chocolate cysts as time goes by and damage the ovary. You have to get it removed first to increase chances of conceiving.

Mommy kept quiet the whole time. I started to weep in her heart.

Dr Yong: Look, why don't we try the first stage, which is fertility pills? I'll prescribed a cycle of fertility pills for 6 days and next appointment you'll come with your husband we'll get his semen analysed. We'll try this first. I want you to clear your menses before we run for more tests next appointment, okay. Don't worry, maybe it's nothing.

Mommy jot down a couple of facts about the condition and thanked the doctor. She waited for her pills and paid for the whole consultation at the dispensary. It totalled at RM320. Then she walked slowly out of the clinic to her car. She didn't cry. She just stared ahead in the car thinking. Lastly she dialed her Mom's number.

"Ma, I have something to tell you." She repeated everything of what she went through with the doctor. Matok was kind. She told Mommy - if anything, saves your ovary first. If God is willing, He will give you babies. If none, it's still okay. I'll pray for you when I go for my Haj next year.

With that Mommy's head felt clearer. She would go for a second opinion nonetheless, but tonight, she'll break the news gently to Papa.

(for more info on endometriosis, click here.)

love conquers all

After a storm comes a rainbow - that's what happened this weekend between Mommy and Papa. I smiled, even giggled a little, after I saw them cuddled when they have talked over their fears over the Friday encounter. Not everything can be solved in a day but at least they're well and happy with each other now. By the way, Mommy finally got her menses yesterday, making today her second. Unfortunately, the doctor's off on Sundays so Mommy got to arrange a quick meeting with doctor tomorrow if she wants to scan her womb according to nurse's instruction (which should be on second day of menses but 3rd day is as good as 2nd, right?). She'd probably take the day off from work. he he....I can't wait for what's the outcome of that...all that tears and effort should have come to something! Now where's that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow??? *wink

*image from http://www.scrappyhug.com/images/Rainbow.jpg

a terrible day for Mommy

Today Mommy rushed home for Dr Prashant's appointment. She got ready - oh man, she looked pretty with those pearl earrings - whenever Mommy is excited about her outing she would dress up for the occassion. She even skipped lunch - coz she was eager to go see the doctor with Papa. Mommy had called Papa earlier but to no avail. The meeting was at 3pm. Mommy tried again calling papa at 2.30pm. They are already late, you can imagine Mommy getting angry at Papa. Papa told Mommy he was stuck in a meeting and even missed lunch and prayers. Mommy didn't want to hear about it. She was so hurt that Papa was late for the meeting and that they would miss the appointment. It took Mommy so long to fix a good time for both of them to come and now Papa is ruining everything. Papa tried to explain to Mommy that he's making Uncle Nizam drive like a maniac but Mommy doesn't want to listen. When Papa arrived at home it was already 3pm. Mommy cried a bit but when she got into the car she stopped coz she doesn't want to fight with Papa in front of Uncle Nizam. She just looked out and poised herself. They reached Pantai hospital and these bunch of receptionists made them climb all the way to Block B only to tell that Dr Prashant no more practised there and they had to go to Damansara Heights where his clinic is at. You can imagine Papa's fury. He said mommy is a fool not to check the place properly. It's not entirely Mommy's fault coz Mommy consulted her friend who was Dr Prashant's patient 2 years earlier. People and places changed but Papa refused to understand. They then adjourned to Damansara Heights but by then both Mommy and Papa were already so mad at each other. When they got there - they had to wait for others who had their appointments first because Mommy missed her 3pm meet up. After half an hour Papa started to get annoyed and told Mommy to fix another time because he got another important meeting with his friend at 6pm. Mommy then negotiated with the nurse while Papa insisted he couldn't make it at this or that date. Even the nurse got annoyed. The nurse told Mommy, if she can't fix any suitable time, just come on her second day of menses for a check up. When they exited the clinic, Papa took out his PDA calendar and asked the date of Mommy's second day of menses. At this Mommy flipped and cried again - "I don't fix my own menses - it's not in my control. Not everything can be controlled!" She burst out to Papa in the lift. She tried to control her temper but tears just flow and flow on her cheeks. I cried along with Mommy, I know how hurt Mommy feels at that time. Mommy, please don't give up on me. I know at this point you want to quit - quit everything. But please Mommy, I need you to be strong, for me, for Papa. Please Mommy, I cried and begged in silent.

When Papa left for his meeting again, Mommy called Aunty Abby. Aunty Abby gave her some good advice. Mommy is still very angry with Papa but she needs to cool down. Aunty Abby told her to treat everything like a business proposal. "You're married to a businessman - you have to act like one." Mommy doesn't like the idea because it sounded cold. It's not a great way to welcome a baby into this world. But with Papa, she needs a different approach. Papa is not easily excited with the idea of babies coz he already got my half sisters. So Mommy got to be smart about this whole thing. Mommy, I know you - you're such a warm person inside, but with Papa you got to conceal yourself if you want a peaceful life with him. I know you best Mommy - with people you act accordingly, but with me, you are my real true Mommy. I'm with you always - just plan carefully and be strong, okay Mommy. And always Mommy, always pray to Allah. I'm with Him watching you from above, and protecting you always. Amin.

testing testing 1, 2, 3...

Mommy bought a Watson's test kit, no, she bought two actually. Hmm...the test went negative. But she's cool about it.. :) Hey, Thomas Edison didn't discover his light bulb till his 2000th try-outs, what makes Mommy different? *wink

is NO news means GOOD or BAD???

Oft late Mommy felt funny about her tummy but it could've been anything. But today when she went to Guardian, she threw doubts to the wind and bought a pregnancy test kit. She's just 2 days behind her menses, but what the heck, she followed as instructed in the kit.

It was all white and remained white. She waited 2 minutes, 5 minutes, until 20! But the darn line never showed up. No positive or even negative indication! She read the whole box all over, trying to make sense where she went wrong. Maybe the kit is a scam, you know...hell, she wasted RM14 bucks for nothing. Never mind, she'll try another kit tomorrow. Good luck Mommy.

facing forward

Today after Papa left for work, I spoke to mommy again. I said:

Mommy, it's YOUR responsibility to be proactive. It's your power, it doesn't belong to somebody else.

I was referring to how she always procrastinate when preparing for my conception. Take the coffee thing for instance - she just wean off the habit a couple of days ago. I told her not to take caffeine. She says it made her awake through the day. I told her - there are many things that can keep you awake mommy, like exercise. So she started walking on the treadmill yesterday. And also, last night I made her clean the medicine box. She found a two year old Appeton's Folic Acid. Fortunately it hasn't expired. She took a pill and went to bed. I feel better when she takes care of herself. Because I want her to be my fit mommy. Keep up the good work - I'll continue to motivate Mommy from time to time.

Dreams are made in heaven

It started with a dream. Mommy once saw a mother and son walk hand in hand in a park one evening, and she knew she wanted that scenario. Both are two old souls absorbed in their elements yet totally concious of each other. Their hands bond them together. The boy wasn't mucking a racket - he was as calm as his mom. Mommy was very young and single then but she had always been very sure of the things she wanted in life. One of that was that image. And it played on on her mind till today.

When she got married with Papa she wasn't sure she's cut out to be a good mom. She was always tired and frustrated with her circumstances. She felt noone understood her. But Allah is great. He told her to be patient and be a good mom to my half sisters. Sometimes she doesn't know what to do, but when she speaks to Allah, she felt better. Things got better from year to year, but still there's no me. When the nights are very very still and quiet, and I know she wasn't thinking of anyone else, I whispered to her. I told her I would be coming. I don't know how I would come, but I will. I just want her to always pray for me.

I know she's scared. She's always so analytical of everything. What if this...what if that... So last week I pushed her to dial a number. I told her I want to be with her. I only see her from afar, but I think our time to be together is nearing. I don't know whether I will be a boy or a girl, but I want to be with her in physical. Sometimes I get hurt when she wished so hard that I'll turn out a boy, but that's ok mommy. I know you'd still love me as much if I'm a girl. I will make you happy mommy, I promise you.

She made an appointment to see Dr Prashant Nadkarni at Pantai Fertility Centre on Friday next week at 3pm. I will keep you posted on the meeting later okay. Hey, I can't wait to arrive. Meanwhile, I'll make mommy dream of me!